On a technical front, I love the movie’s stylistic choices, overall aesthetic (god knows we need more colour in films) and camera work. But in all its narratorial glory, The Holdovers feels like warm hug on behalf of Col. Frank Slade (played by Al Pacino). And why not, the film almost plays like an ode to the 1992 classic. Now, I love Al Pacino so I’ll love any film starring him. Naturally, Scent of a Woman is a favourite. Just like The Holdovers, it features a young, troubled prep-school student, who meets an older, cynical man, and they both form an unlikely friendship while on a trip. But all this does beg the question — are only men allowed to come of age at any age?

All three movies — The Holdovers, Scent of a Woman and Dead Poets Society — are stories of men; their loneliness, their hopes and their dreams. And that would be alright if there existed equivalent movies about women. A young boy and girl are allowed to come of age. Lady Bird (played by Saoirse Ronan) does so in Lady Bird (2017), Charlie Simms (played by Chris O’Donnell) does in Scent of a Woman, and so does Angus Tully (played by Dominic Sessa) in The Holdovers. And yet, how many older/middle-aged women have the luxury to ‘come-of-age’ like Col. Slade or Mr. Hunham (played by Paul Giamatti)? In Dead Poets Society, too, the male influence shines through Mr Keating (played by Robin Williams).

Don’t get me wrong, I love all these films— they are heart wrenching and warm and all kinds of wonderful but they also reinstate that men have more room to be messy but women don’t.

Col. Slade, Mr. Hunham and Mr. Keating are all male figures who influence their young, teenage counterparts. Although, Mr. Keating is much more well-settled than the other two, who are quite frankly in the trenches emotionally. Slade wants to end his life because of the despair and loneliness, and Hunham’s each day is boring and monotonous — he, too, doesn't have anything to look forward to. In fact, both characters are not just similar in their dispositions but their physicalities, too. Colonel is blind, which removes him from the rest of the world and highlights his cynical “gaze”. Yet, he can smell the world, people, women. Hunham, too, as an eye condition which alludes to him not “seeing” eye-to-eye with his fellow teachers and students. Additionally, smell is also a motif in Hunham’s life; he smells like fish because of a medical condition which drives home his isolation and removal from the world even more. Both of them also have a confrontation with their mentee’s school which showcases their character growth, and the care and love they’ve come to feel for the teenage characters.

All that to say, Slade and Hunham do not hold themselves together because they don’t have to. Mary (played by Da’Vine Joy Randolph) in The Holdovers, on the other hand, is equally drowning in grief if not more and yet, there’s no room for error for her. Hunham can day-drink, treat people like shit and Mary still has to cook and take care of them. Yes, it is her job, but the narrative doesn't afford her any pivotal moments of expressing grief even though there’s one scene at the party but there, too, she’s removed from the rest of the narrative lest her grief disturb the plot, or the other characters. Mary’s backstory isn’t explored enough. In Boston, she disappears despite being on the poster because after all, it is a story of two men coming of age.

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Now, one also might argue that there are coming-of-age movies featuring all-girls boarding schools or older women. And yes, there are but almost all of them are maligned by the sexualisation of those women and their relationships, or horror is added as a crutch to move the narrative along because god forbid we have women enjoying platonic, wholesome, mentor-mentee relationships. Here are some examples to drive that point home: The Graduate (1967) features a sexual relationship between a young boy and his teacher, Y tu mamá también (2001) is about two teenage boys and their sexual awakening on a road trip with a woman in her late twenties; Mädchen in Uniform (1958) is about a young girl in an all-girls boarding school who falls in love with her kind, affectionate teacher. However, in the last one, forbidden love and homosexuality are important themes, so we’ll give it the benefit of doubt.

In all of this, Mona Lisa Smile (2003) is the only film that stands as an equivalent but not of The Holdovers or Scent of a Woman, but of Dead Poets Society. Women, in movies, do not have the privilege to come of age a second or a third time. And this might be true for some in their real lives as well. There is no room to just be. In movies, these women cannot have a mid-life crisis and even if they do, it’s fixed by romantic love and that movie becomes a romcom. Men can find hope at any age, a new meaning of life; women, after passing a certain age, cannot afford to be hopeless, or renew their lives. Once they get on, the train doesn’t stop.

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when prometheus stole fire and defied the gods for us, i’d like to believe, he did it out of love. out of hope. if i were to believe in his myth of creation — of clay and water — then it would mean he saw potential in his creation. he loved his creation enough to defy the gods. he loved us enough to give us hope, fire… life every step of the way. he questioned zeus, undermined him for these creatures of clay who, perhaps at the time, didn’t know any better.

when god created adam, it, too, was out of love, right? and didn’t god love Lucifer, too, before he fell?

and christ — wasn’t he the most beloved of his heavenly father and his people?

to be fair, the christian god is not a figure of benevolence. or perhaps, he’s as much benevolent as he is egotistical, feeding on the unquestionable authority he has established. he punishes more than he loves, thriving on the fear he induces in you. one wrongdoing and its lightning and floods.

when victor created the creature, it wasn’t out of love. it was to mimic the old testament god’s ego. to feel grand and to have that authority to punish and not be questioned. and the creature, crucified form brith, suffered at his hands. when god cast lucifer out, he became satan; when victor cast the creature out, he became frankenstein’s monster. the fall of the creature, his corruption and inclination to violence was a result of neglect. but also knowledge. he didn’t eat the forbidden fruit, he lived through it, forced to be a vermin infiltrating the apple’s core. he became aware of the neglect, prejudice and violence as he lived; learning as he endured.

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victor’s pursuit of creation lacked the two fundamental requirements for it — love and a woman.

athena breathed life into prometheus’ clay humans. god created eve lest adam was alone; had mary give birth to christ. and yet, victor’s creation lacked the touch of a woman. even though, for a moment there was elizabeth, eventually his ego cast her aside. when he shot her at the wedding, he shot her in the womb — her white virginal womb which was smeared in blood, the same womb he kept caressing in that ceramic figurine. when she died, cradled by the creature, with her, died any hope of love and the feminine in the creature’s or victor’s life.

so what is creation without love, without the touch of compassion and kindness, the strive to love despite no kinship, or in spite of it. what is love without the touch of a woman? it’s victor’s life and the creature’s destiny — a chase through time to experience companionship, even if its just for a brief moment.

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10 may 2021, 9:06pm

I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong.*

8 june 2021, 11:05am

How to Substitute Oat Flour:

Substitute 1 cup of regular white flour for 1 1/3 cup Oat Flour. Note if it seems too stiff then use less and also you can add more liquid.

30 april 2022, 6:48pm

<Health Notes>

Morning - after 3 days woke up with no headache, no dizziness, etc
No coughing, but blood in mucus while brushing in the morning
Didn’t feel feverish
Afternoon- I’m getting exhausted very easily, like I have no energy
Headache but also throat feels better
Slept more than 10 hours at night, and then again more than 3 int he afternoon, I feel like I have no energy.
Evening - steam: mucus had blood but throat isn’t hurting as much, neither does it feel dry
Had ors, paracetamol, limcee,

2 october 2022, 8:28am

today,
i dreamed you

7 september 2023, 1:57pm

[redacted’s] dissertation edits

3 october 2023, 11:55pm

god lives in details

12 april 2024, 10:26am

bra size
[— or —??]

18 may 2024, 9:43pm

i have loved god before

9 september 2024, 8:25pm

i have so much life ahead of me, so much writing— of which the best is yet to come

23 february 2025, 5:01pm

liquid prill
elfy

16 april 2025, 9:05pm

where does god live
in a lonely light

30 july 2025, 9:45pm

there’s something in this feeling to write about can’t find the words

5 september 2025, 7:51pm

i am this young for the last time and all is lost

26 september 2025, 8:34pm

i get it, this was me last month. it might or might not get better but you’re not alone.

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*excerpt from lemony snicket’s letters to beatrice

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